It. Is. Not. Your. Fault.
Your abuser has spent a lot of time and energy telling you that you are to blame for their violence. They have spent a lot of time keeping you from the warmth of family and friends. This was to keep you trapped. You deserve love, dignity, and safety.
Tell someone you can trust.
Do you have a best friend? A family member? A faith leader? A neighbor? Who can you turn to that will tell you it is not your fault? Who has seen what you’ve been going through and wants to be there for you, without judgement? People in our circles can be helpful. Some can be hurtful. Go to the helpful ones. If there is no one for you to turn to – call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1.800.799. SAFE (7233).
Get to a safe place.
You may just need a minute to clear your head and think. You may need a place to lay your head for a night. You may need housing for a month or more. Use Ujima’s Resource Directory to find that safe place. When you are in a safe place, you can get help from advocates to create a safety plan to protect you from further harm.
Consider your options.
You may want to get an order from civil courts to keep your abusive partner away from you, especially if your partner possesses a firearm. These orders may be called different things depending on where you live, e.g. civil protection order, protective order, restraining order, stay away order, or no contact order. They are orders by a court of law that says your partner must have no contact with you and stay away from you for a period of time if you meet certain criteria. The order can outline housing, financial support, custody, and other matters. You do not need an attorney to get an order of protection, you can do it on your own and many domestic violence programs and courthouses have pro se (represent yourself) packets to help you. The order also requires your abusive partner to give up any firearms they have.
You may want to file criminal charges. You may have three options to choose from: reporting to the police, asking the prosecutor to file charges, or filing charges yourself. You have the option of filing for a civil protection order and criminal charges. You do not have to choose one or the other. If you are married, you can also file for divorce on the grounds of abuse in order to receive relief. If you are not married, but have children in common, you can also address custody, visitation, and support on the grounds of abuse to assure there is no contact if that is in the best interest of the children.
Remember that Protection Orders alone do not keep you safe. Be sure to also speak with an advocate to create a safety plan.
Protect the bag.
If you need to take time off from work, know your employer’s leave policies, flexible work options and other accommodations, confidentiality agreements with employees, the Employee Assistance Program (EAP), and any other company provided resources that can help you with your safety plan. Safeguard any financial accounts your abusive partner may have access to like shared bank accounts, rent/mortgage, direct deposit, government benefits, credit cards, and tax information. If you are a victim of economic abuse or the criminal nature of the abuse (i.e., malicious destruction of property) you may be entitled to victims compensation through your state.
Use technology wisely.
Technology can help with your safety plan and it can also be risky. Cell phones and GPS in our cars may allow your abusive partner to track your location. Clear your browsing history from services and search engines like Google Chrome, Safari, and Explorer so your location is more difficult to find. Change passwords, locks, and phone numbers if possible. A technology safety plan that covers devices and social media is very important. Be careful when you are posting photos, sharing your status, and using social media. When creating content on social media, make sure not to post your location. Remind your friends and family to not “tag” you in photos. The sites might expose you or your location. You want to be careful not to create a digital footprint that can be followed. Be sure to unfriend/unfollow/block your abusive partner on all of your platforms.
If you go back..
There is no judgement! You might go back to the abusive relationship. Leaving a violent partner is a process, not a single act. You may feel that your partner has changed or you may feel it is safer to be with them than to not know where they are. Keep your safety plan confidential and have important papers in a “go” bag where you can get to it if there is a violent incident. You are the best person to keep yourself safe.
Your journey is yours. Love yourself.
Whether you stay or whether you go – taking care of yourself is crucial. Find moments to rest, breathe, and ground yourself emotionally. Journal, listen to music, or just touch grass, whatever helps you feel like returning to yourself. Domestic violence can lead to serious mental and physical health issues. Do not feel ashamed to reach out for professional help.
